I call bullsh*t

People, please, keep it real.

I can’t stand mistruths.

I need some F&D when faced with my unknown.

Fact and Data people, give it to me.!

To date, I reckon I have been fed a big fat rainbow of ………..

rainbow bulls*t

Fit,

Fabulous,

Foxy,

Flirty, fun, fierce and a little naughty that’s what I was told.

BUT

This is what I ended up with

Sorry but I’m not seeing it the way it was told to me.

I hit forty-six last week and nothing about being in my ‘naughty forties’ has made me want to rejoice and celebrate the person I currently am.

Take me back to my twenties, please!

Maybe my thirties, although all I remember was big belly, baby, flabby belly, repeat x 4 – so maybe not my thirties.

Twenties, twenties, I’ve said it before in past posts, that’s where the real me was engaging in life.

Right about now I reckon I am doing it for everyone else, because if I alter the focus onto moi I might be faced with things I don’t want to see, and changes I don’t know how to make. AND AND a body that could care less about what is happening around it.

Yeah, so I eat the occasional cupcake, have a coffee a day, exercise is something I watch other people do and each day I finish up with broken sleep because my brain can not successfully practice mindfulness.

Oh and did I mention every morning when I wake up,

This is me in my forties, now press repeat.

It would be nice to know that one day I might get off this merry-go-round, stop being such a hot mess and look for the beauty in everything instead of the problems.

Look, I’m ok that maybe our female bodies go through a transformation in our forties, but I reckon it would have been nice to get a little heads up.  It really just slapped me in the face and six years in to my forties I am still struggling to come to terms with body changes out of my control.

No way I am letting my fifties slip away from me! So I’m off to look beyond the rainbows, then I can get to the bottom of what to expect when moving into middle age and get a head start and bring back the engaged Denise, who is living a more happy and holistic existence.ONCE.AGAIN.

And any of you out there already in your fifties or beyond, don’t even think about feeding me any of your fifties fairy floss of fun and frivolity.  I’m already onto you.

 

adios,

 

“do not regret growing old, it is a privilege denied to many  ~ unknown”

 

 

 

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crap day at the office

I made someone in the office cry today!

I still feel sick in the stomach with what transpired.

Actually I didn’t make them cry, I made them mad and they stormed off, leaving me crying and wondering WTF just happened.

 

WTF the office

 

It was never my intention to upset a work colleague, I am never out to upset anyone!

Maybe just my own kids when I tell them NO! Worst mother ever!

Anyways, about today, whoa, that was some serious shit that went down. Walking into the office tomorrow is going to be hella awkward.

I tried on many occasions throughout the day to apologise for my words, unfortunately they didn’t want to know about it.

It.was.a.long.day!

 

Mariah Carey.gif

 

I should have read the signs earlier in the morning, but I have this tendency to want to reach out and help everyone, and today I found out the hard way.

NOT.EVERYONE.CARES.FOR.MY.HELP

 

zip it

 

Seriously! it’s twelve hours after the event and I am still running over and over the scenario in my head.

Was it my tone, combined with my choice of words?

My intentions were good and honest, but it doesn’t ease the fact I pissed someone off. Like seriously pissed them off.

How on earth do people navigate through work stuff like this?

I think it is time to going back to being a stay at home mum, my crowd was so much easier there.

I’m a feeler and at my core I am feeling so so bad that my actions lead to hurting someone else.

At work tomorrow, they’d be like…….

 

fake hug

 

And I’d be praying for

 

best friend hug

 

 

Til then,

 

“Proper apologies have three parts, what I did was wrong, I feel badly that I hurt you, and how do I make this better?” ~ Randy Pausch

 

RUOK? 2017

 

Business As Usual

Far out! It’s been like forever since I was here.

Much has transpired with me, around me, and because of me since we last met and I really don’t know where to begin.

Arriving at a starting point has been so difficult it’s why I have been absent for so long.

I have no clue what to include or where to begin.  Do I give you the full monty or just a peak-a-boo.  Would it really matter!

Maybe I should just start from here!

Hello!

are you listening to me

Well I care, I need this!

I need it to offload my brain.

Some of you will never understand what that really means and others, well, you’d be like…….

AMEN preach it girl

Let’s just dive in and see where it takes me.

Prior to our separation I was all over you about how I stopped drinking coffee.

What I failed to mention was that a simple victory speech given by Novak Djokovic on January 28th 2016 during the Australian Open was the catalyst for me to attempt to remove coffee from my lifestyle.

I have included it here.  No need to watch the entire speech – you will come across his powerful words moments into answering the first question.

It’s important at the end of the day that your convictions are stronger than your doubts”     ~ Novak Djokovic

There you have it, that’s what got me through.  I straight up banished that shit out of my life, cold turkey, no regrets. GONE! I was stronger that my doubts and that was my mantra every time I thought of coffee.

That was, until Saturday 22nd October, 2016.

When life for me got.all.too.hard.

The stress of attending four different house auctions in one day with not even a glimmer of hope we would have the winning bid stressed me out to the max.  So I turned to getting angry and my getting angry was to start drinking coffee again.

whatever

Besides, I really didn’t notice any health benefits with or without it in my life.

Moving on.

August 15th 2016 my maternity leave of fifteen years came to an holt.

Working girl Denise hit the ground running and hasn’t stopped since. Well actually I have stopped every 10 weeks I get 2 weeks off and across the Christmas break I get 7 weeks off.

Yep I made it into the education system.  My professional title is Learning Enhancement Officer A.K.A – LSO.  I work directly with and for children that have additional needs. AND.I LOVE.IT!

I think that plays a big part in why my home life is humming along so nicely at the moment.

My own daughters reckon I love my students more than them. NO! NEVER!

I do however find myself in awe everyday at what my students achieve with their individual needs and amazing skill sets.  I am so so blessed to be doing what I do and I know I’m right where I’m suppose to be.

#blessed Oprah.gif

Yeah Me!

Almost done.

May, 2017 we bought a house Whoop! Whoop! and moved in 30 days later WTF

I guess it was no different to all the expat moves we had done.  Accept for that teenie weenie factor that big business wasn’t moving us this time. No army of burly men to pack us up and move as out. It was all hands on deck.

Happy Days.

Actually there is a bit of a back story behind how hubby and I landed this magnificent place to call home, and I will bring you up to speed in my coming instalments.  It’s a bloody cracker, if I do say so myself.

backyard

So there you have it, all wrapped up in a pretty bow.

We are all caught up to present day and now I am more motivated than ever to stay on task and keep emptying my brain.  It really is good for my soul.

The truth be told, I actually feel like there is a book buried inside of me and this is all just practise for the real thing one day.

Ciao for now,

“Miracles start to happen when you give as much energy to your dreams as you do to your fears” ~ Richard Wilkins

 

What Happened After I Stopped Drinking Coffee

aha-moment

As I write today I am 44 days free from coffee.

I did it………I mean

I.AM.DOING.IT

I seriously can not believe it to be true.

Morning coffee, catch up coffee, let’s sit and talk about it coffee, one more before we go coffee, cake & coffee coffee!

Gone.

All.Gone!

I hear you having a little giggle at my expense.  I mean it is just coffee that I removed from my life, not something more serious like a “real” addiction, right ?!

Well, not so much.

Coffee was my real addiction for over twenty years and now after being free from it for almost six weeks it is amazing the things I am uncovering about myself.   Not only about coffee and its effects on my body and mind, but coffee in society and coffee within my community and how it has been ruling my head and steering me into making unconscious decision throughout my entire day.

It started like this….Milo

milo

then progressed to Mochaccino’s

mochaccino

then onto Cappuccino’s

cappuccino

over to Latte’s

latte

across to Starbucks Caramelatte (that was your fault Canada)

starbucks caramelatte

and finally I ended back at Cappuccinos and cake (the more decadent the slice of cake the better tasting my coffee was, so I thought)

coffee and cake

If you knew me when I was a coffee addict, you would realise just how far I have come to be 44 days along and not once allowed those brewed beans to cross my lips.

This is big.time.for.me.

Previously I associated everything I did around how I would “fit-in” a coffee to my day.  I mean it had to be good quality coffee that came with a relaxing ambience, in a great location, have a great coffee aroma, bitter free taste, free wi-fi and on it goes.

I guess it was fair to say I was a coffee snob.

Out shopping I would “need” to stop for a coffee.

Out exercising it was important to know I could “reward” myself with a great coffee when I was finished.

Catching up with Mum and Dad after church, it was “important” to have that coffee time to solve world problems and enjoy laughter together.

Coffee appeared to be the glue that made my day come together and I wasn’t happy until I stamped my day with a.good.coffee.break.

Relax, it’s just coffee I hear you say.

Surely I can not be the only one out there that is being affected like this.  I reckon the coffee corporations and their advertising campaigns may have a lot to answer to in the not to distant future.  You know, like the big cigarette companies and dare I say it Coca-Cola (back in the day)

I remember back to when Coca-Cola was big time in my life.  I slurped that brown stuff like it was medicine and convinced myself it made me feel good.

Their advertising campaigns were genius, they tapped into our social need to be accepted and of course drinking coke would make that come true….baaaahaaaaaa

I mean they told us so

coke adds life

can't beat it

share a coke with my bff

And have a look at these beauties, the ad campaigns, that told us how great it was to smoke cigarettes. ARGH REALLY !!!!

change to camels

I mean Physicians told us it’s OK

cigarettes it't toasted

Kirk Douglas got in on it

kirk_douglas_smoking

And former US President Ronald Reagan

cigarettes Ronald Regan

Just like there is no benefits (and major health risks) from drinking Coke and smoking Cigarettes, I am going to go out on a limb here and saying I am pretty sure coffee (in all it’s glory) is next on the list for sh*t that is killing us slowly, even when the world is telling us we “need” coffee in our day.

What I can see here is an advertising world that is getting better at tapping into our softer side and making us feel like we are making good choices, greener choices, fair-trade choices, and we are sophisticated if we choose coffee.

george-clooney-ad-campaign-for-nespresso-2013

Coffee-Ad.4

3506062070_ae091593ec

Mockup-Coffee-Noble-e1403693256865-300x297

It’s all good isn’t!!!!

Until 50 years later when the research tells us otherwise.

So I decided to opt out before the research supported my theory and I don’t care if I am wrong.  I know how I feel without having to chase my next cup of coffee.

It feels so bloody liberating.

You know I am not here to preach my findings.  Just share them!

If coffee is your thing, and you don’t have an issue with it all, then keep on keeping on.

From where I sit, I know how I feel and where I want to be in 50 years to come.

In the end whether I am right or wrong the biggest take away I have gained from this experience is that my convictions are stronger than my doubts.  I do have the will power, I am stronger than my controlling thoughts and I can do anything I put my mind to.

If you had asked me seven weeks ago to stop drinking coffee, I would have come to you with all the doubts and reasons why I couldn’t possibly succeed at that task.

Oh how wrong was I.

So proud of myself right.about.now and deservedly so.

Adios

 

“I did then what I knew how to do. Now that I know better, I do better”. 

~ Maya Angelou

 

 

Lucky Strike Cig AdLucky Strike Cig Ad

The Break Up Dance

It’s not you….it’s me!

The longer you are in my life, the harder it is to reach my full potential, I need you gone and gone for good!

I can’t live with you, and I can’t live without you! I know I have tried many times before and you always seem to creep back into my life!

I think about you all the time, yet when we are together my heart pumps faster, my head starts to hurt, not to mention the delayed reaction I get in my stomach after your gone.

It’s torture to be away from you! When I am out with friends, I love having you around, you make me laugh and I never want to leave the party when you’re near!

From the minute I wake up you are all I think about.  After we get together it’s a downward spiral until the next time we meet! That sort of up and down is never good for anyones health and wellbeing.

I can’t continue along like this, I feel like you are robbing me of my ‘good years’  and I need to take back the control.

For this to work and for me to be/stay in control, you can’t live with me, you can’t live near me, and you can never visit my place!

I must not visit you ever again!

It has to be like this, there is no other way, you are a health risk to me.

I will not substitute you!

I will remove you from my life once and for all, because everything I read tells me I will be 100% better off without you.

You are not my friend, you never were!

Your motives are all wrong.  To come into my life and allow me to believe you make me feel better, it’s all lies!

You bring all your sweet sweet friends with you to entice me further, but it’s too late, I am finally on to you now!

I realise it has taken me the best part of twenty years to discover how harmful and toxic you and I are together,  and that is what’s making it painfully embarrassing to admit to my family and friends that I must break up with you!

This time I have to do it differently, I have too!

Family and friends, when you see me in the street, just give me a nod that you recognise I am on a different path now, you don’t have to ask me how I am coping without my addiction in my life.  Perhaps you could make it a tiny bit easier by trying not to tempt me when we are together.  Can you please be my support network, keep me strong throughout my withdrawals and remind me, just like Dorothy from Wizard of Oz I have always had the power to be in control of my own destiny.

I will not surrender to my addiction anymore.

I will stop drinking coffee. Correction! I.have.stopped.drinking.coffee.

29th January, 2016  one day sober strong!

What’s your addiction? What/who do you need to do the break up dance with……

sugar,

alcohol,

gambling,

cigarettes,

prescription drugs,

soft drinks,

food….

….they are all real addictions and most likely killing you slowly.  Be strong take back the control and release yourself from your addiction once and for all.

Leave a comment, I would love to hear all about your addictions, struggles and/or triumphs to eliminate them from your life.

Bye for now,

“When you feel like quitting: think about why you started” ~ Author Unknown